NEWS

Luck of the Irish: Man Who Went to Crowded Pub Only Contracted Herpes

Talk about counting your lucky charms: local Dubliner John Kelly chose to go out this St. Patrick’s Day in the middle of a pandemic and only ended up with a run-of-the-mill sexually transmitted disease!

To his defense, Kelly did take some COVID-19 precautions at first, but they went out the window after a couple rounds of Guinness and meeting the woman of his dreams at O’Malley’s.

“Originally, I wasn’t going to go into the pub. But then I saw they were playing Up Jenkins, which I couldn’t resist, and I met Saoirse, who I also couldn’t resist. That’s when things got a tad blurry, but no one else got that close to me, I don’t think.”

Clearly Kelly’s Irish blood must have done the trick in the karma department because the only virus he woke up the next day with was herpes. If only the rest of us were so fortunate!

“Having a sore throat and fever the next day had me on edge at first,” said Kelly, describing the brief moment he thought he had contracted COVID. “But seeing that tell-tale genital blister come in was like the sun bursting through the clouds after days of rain.”

As far as we’re concerned, that spot is no scarlet letter. We’d give anything to go out this St. Paddy’s Day and be lucky enough to come home covered in festering sores!

It’s too bad the only way to get one of those lesions is to actually risk getting within six feet of a stranger. That’s something we just can’t condone right now. But Kelly, a proud Irishman, emerged pretty much the same way he describes his lineage: scot-free. That’s something we can drink to — at home, of course.

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