Man Terrified Great Barrier Reef Will Die Before He Can Leave Used Condom In It

According to eyewitness testimony from friends and family, aspiring traveler Troy Cabot is terrified that the Great Barrier Reef will die before he can leave a used condom in it.

“You’ve all seen the news!” he was heard saying. “Thanks to climate change, half the reef is already dead. I need to get out there and defile it before it’s too late.”

In a vain effort to calm himself down, Cabot reportedly took a moment to drink from a plastic water bottle, crumple it between his hands, and toss it over his shoulder.

“It’s just not fair,” he continued. “Why does humanity’s greed and stupidity get to destroy the beauty of nature before I can?”

Cabot then spoke at length, on the verge of tears, about all the other places he feared he would never be able to see in their pristine state.

“It’s not just the Great Barrier Reef, you know. At the rate things are going, I’ll never be able to carve my initials into an endangered redwood, or hock a loogie into the Grand Canyon, or even take a piss off the top of Mount Everest!”

Cabot continued on for several more minutes, soliloquizing about the arrogance and hubris of man while a chipmunk got its head trapped in his discarded water bottle.

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