NEWS

Man Exhausted After Long Day In Bed

Despite all evidence to the contrary, local resident Mike Collins is reportedly exhausted after a long day in bed.

“I am beat,” said Collins as he slumped down on his king-size, orthopedic mattress, surrounded by self-cooling gel pillows and Egyptian cotton sheets.

“I just got done playing Candy Crush for six hours straight. Before that, I watched a guy build birdhouses on YouTube for eight hours. Not to mention I’ve got a whole Marvel movie marathon coming up tomorrow,” said Collins, letting out a long, world-weary sigh before adding, “I’m just totally swamped.”
Indeed, Collins’ hectic schedule shows no signs of letting up. Next week alone, his duties will consist of looking at Facebook, looking at Instagram, sleeping on his back, sleeping on his side, eating Ben and Jerry’s in bed, eating Cheetos in bed, buying a Death Star waffle maker on Amazon, buying Lion King-themed matryoshka dolls on Etsy, buying 200 beanie babies on eBay, and, of course, watching porn.
“I wish I could be more productive,” Collins said as he prepared for another five hour nap.” But I just can’t eat and masturbate at the same time.”

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