FITNESS

5 Yoga Poses To Help You Sprain Something In The Calmest Way Possible

Yoga can be fun, relaxing, and rewarding, but it can also be incredibly painful! In a whole-body sport like this, injuries are inevitable, so we like to take a holistic approach by ensuring that if you have to get hurt, at least you’ll be at peace about it!

Plank Pose

This easy pose will help you relax the tension in your muscles. Start by laying facedown on the floor with your hands behind your back. Take a deep breath and draw the middle of your torso as high up into the air as possible while using your kneecaps and cheekbones for support. Channel the concept of rigor mortis as you tense all the muscles in your body at once. If you experience shooting pain, don’t worry, that’s just your shoulders dislocating — they’ll be fine eventually. Once you start thinking that actual death might be a better alternative, release the tension and breath out. So relaxing!

The Wall Pose

For this beginner-level pose, your first step is to stand up straight and face a wall. Try to stay completely still as you focus on the wall, study the wall, and eventually become the wall. Your goal is to assimilate completely. If holding this rigid pose causes your back to seize up, that’s totally okay because you’re a wall, remember? And walls don’t feel pain.

The Drawbridge Pose

This pose may not be for everyone, or even most people, but that being said it really is fun and easy! Just lay down on your back, place both hands and feet flat on the floor, and forcefully push your body upwards until your back begins to feel as if it’s folding in two. Walk around like that for as long as your spinal column and sense of balance can tolerate it. We promise that once you slip into an exhausted, twitching heap on the floor, you’ll feel totally refreshed!

Reverse Prayer Pose

To begin this intermediate level pose, stand straight up and slowly rotate your ankles outward until you are balancing on them and they are supporting your entire weight. Next, clasp your hands together behind your back, with fingers intertwined, and slowly bring them up and over your head. This may feel uncomfortable, but luckily this pose will allow you to focus on your breathing so that when you scream for mercy, you can do so in an even, moderated tone of voice. If you experience a cracking sound, blinding pain, or the thought that there may really be no God, remain calm. Most sprains and minor fractures have a 40–70% chance of full recovery!

Pretzel Twist Pose

This advanced pose is ideal for anyone who is looking to have their soul leave their body. It requires some extra steps but can be incredibly rewarding, depending heavily on your definition of “reward.” First, you’ll want to interlock your arms, grab each leg behind the knee with the opposite hand, and stretch your face towards the small of your back. Then, whenever you’re ready, you should take a few calming breaths, align your inner chakras, and firmly thrust your non-dominant foot up your ass until you feel your hip dislocate and your ankle perforate your small intestine. If done properly, this position will help you connect with something larger than yourself, namely, the nearest hospital’s billing department.

Namaste!

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