WELLNESS

Probably Not Worth It: This Sauna Is Free But You Have To Have A Conversation With Morris Wrapped In A Towel

Score! Everyone get over here quick because we just found out that this sauna is free! And we can stay in it as long as we want? Oh boy, it’s one of those fancy infrared saunas too? Wow, this just keeps getting better and better.

Oh wait. God damn it. We should’ve known — there’s a catch. It looks like the sauna’s still free and all, but we’d need to have a conversation with Morris, some old guy sitting in there wrapped in a towel. Probably not worth it.

On the other hand, how bad can it be? Morris is probably a perfectly nice guy, and maybe we should give him a chance. Look at it from his perspective. If we hung out naked in the sauna all day waiting for young people to come and talk to us, we would sure hope that they’d give us a chance.

Wait. Ah, fuck. We just found out that Morris actually sucks. Apparently this other guy we know decided to join Morris in the sauna, and it was impossible to end the conversation for three entire hours. Morris basically kept him hostage as he melted like ice cream in the sun.

Aw, man. We really got our hopes up this time. We’ve been looking for a sauna for weeks now. But talking to Morris about his retirement plan just doesn’t sound worth it. Not even for five minutes.

If we’re being honest, Morris also probably doesn’t smell great. Apparently he’s been sitting in the sauna for hours now, and the whole thing is soaked with his sweat. We could probably get past his sallow skin and pasty nipples sagging over that crusty towel, but the hairs growing out of his nose and ears are really just nauseating us at this point.

We think we’re gonna have to pass.

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