WELLNESS

Stressed Out Goddess Just Working On Being Omnipresent

In a divine decree to her followers, Illuxora, goddess of fertility and spring rain, announced yesterday that she has been super stressed out lately and is just going to take this time to work on being omnipresent.

“Since time immemorial, I have answered the prayers of the faithful to ensure a bountiful harvest and the joyful birth of children,” began Illuxora in her celestial statement. “But in the state of the world right now, I can’t help but feel like I’m not finding joy in bringing forth the cleansing rain like I used too. Ultimately, it’s best for me to take some time off of work and focus, for once, on just being present in my own body as well as present in the spirit of every living thing in the universe.”

Though Illuxora’s mental health break from her godly duties may ensure disastrous droughts around the globe and a rapid decline in fertility rates, many are praising the goddess’ decision to get back in touch with her own spirituality. Even her boss, Gri, the creatress of all, has come out in support of Illuxora’s decision to become the most omnipresent and omniproductive version of herself she can be.

“Though my upcoming sabbatical will cause untold famine and death, I am to be neither feared nor revered,” continued Illuxora, the all-powerful being in need of a good break. “I’m ready to take this next century or two to learn about me. Maybe I’ll finally learn to play the star-lyre or relax in the tub of wishes with a good papyrus tome to read. Trust me, when I finally bring forth the spring rain again, you’ll be able to tell that it was brought forth by a totally happier and more centered me.”

At press time, the goddess of the hunt decided to go plant-based and become the goddess of lentils and nutritional yeast.

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