Despite being classified as high-risk because of his various chronic ailments, area man Matthew Cooper has made no attempt to schedule a COVID-19 vaccine appointment due to his concerns about potential side effects.
“The shot can make you nauseous, tired, and can even cause headaches,” said Cooper, cracking open his fifth Budweiser before 11 am. “I just don’t know why anyone would willingly subject themselves to something that could make them sick.”
Cooper, like many other Americans, is concerned that the vaccine’s potential side effects could disrupt his daily routine of drinking and smoking until he passes out.
“Covid basically just makes you cough, and I cough plenty already because of the cigarettes,” continued Cooper, “so getting the virus wouldn’t even change my life.”
As he lit up another unfiltered cigarette, Cooper explained how vaccines are basically just poison, promoted by big pharma. He believes the vaccine was not tested enough to be completely safe and could possibly have dangerous long term health effects.
“It could even cause cancer!”
At press time, Cooper was claiming that mandatory vaccine requirements are a slippery slope to further restrictions of his God-given right to control what he puts in his body.