NEWS

Wendy’s CEO Warns Of Square Cow Extinction By 2027

While presenting a financial report during Wendy’s annual earnings call, CEO Todd A. Penegor informed investors that the complete depletion of the global square cow population may take place by 2027.

“While none of us ever wanted to see this day come, Wendy’s is already considering alternatives to square patties,” said Penegor. “We’ve located triangle, pentagon, and octagon cows that could help us create an entirely new brand of hamburgers.”

Wendy’s has used square livestock for its iconic square patty hamburgers ever since the fast food giant’s inception. According to experts, the population decline has taken place due to America’s insatiable appetite for boxy bovine.

Not only will the extinction affect Wendy’s entire brand, but many square cow farmers expect to be out of a job by 2027.

“I’ll have to get into the curly fry business and start farming curly potatoes,” said square cow farmer Dale Collins.

The effects of the square cow shortage has also shaken much of Wendy’s loyal customer base.

“I’ll never go to Wendy’s again if they start using regular cows,” said fast food enthusiast Phil Luck. “Regular cows just don’t taste the same.”

At press time, Popeye’s was concerned about the declining population of spicy chickens.

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