Remember, Mother’s Day is this Sunday, May 9th! These five inexpensive, throwaway gifts that you tossed into your cart right before you went to the register will show the woman who brought you into this world that you barely think about her.
1. Sandalwood Scented Candle
Yeah, your mom likes candles. She likes it when her house smells nice. But did you know she already has 48 candles in reserve in the hallway linen closet? You’d know that if you visited her more.
2. Mama Bear Coffee Mug
Your mother gave up caffeine in 2019 because she wasn’t sleeping through the night, but you don’t know that. You don’t listen to her. She hasn’t slept well since your birth, as she’s always awake, worried about you, thinking about you, how to protect you. Your mom will say, “You’re always my baby,” but this mug will just make dust in her kitchen cabinets.
3. Moisturizing Tea-Tree Oil Sheet Mask
You’ll tell your mom this is so she can do more “self-care,” but this $1.99 envelope of slimy face gel tells her you think she looks old.
4. Small Packet Of Gourmet Jelly Beans
Does your mom even like jelly beans? Do you really know anything about her, as a person, as a woman? These ten gourmet jelly beans tell your matriarch, “Eh, I’ve seen you eat candy once or twice.”
5. 20-Oz Diet Coke
You bought this for yourself and then realized you didn’t have a present. Meaner than just not bringing a present. Buy her a card and pay for lunch.