Ex-Drill Sergeant Baffled His Guided Meditation App Not Taking Off

According to new reports, former U.S. Marine Corps Staff Sergeant Emery Lee is confused about why his new guided meditation app isn’t taking off.

“I just don’t get it,” said Lee, upon learning of his app’s poor performance. “Why don’t those smooth-brained cocksuckers want me soothing them into a state of introspection and tranquility?”

Sergeant Lee’s app, which is called Get Happy You Worthless Sack of Shit, is available on all app stores for a $40 monthly subscription. Data shows that it has only had 20 downloads in the six months it’s been available.

“Close your eyes and picture yourself surrounded by flowing water, you maggots!” said Lee, in one of the app’s very first meditations. “As you exhale, imagine you’re exhaling all the stressors in your life, you good-for-nothing morons.”

The app has only three reviews, and all of them cite Lee’s screaming as their primary reason for giving it a 1-star rating.

“Well, I guess I shouldn’t worry too much,” said Lee. “If the app doesn’t work out, I can always get a job as a life coach.”

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