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‘Chard Is The New Kale,’ Report Chard Farmers

According to a new study from Chard Farmers United, chard will soon replace kale as the favored green among young people, trendy salad-based dishes, and the entire health industry.

The study was run by, funded by, and performed on chard farmers, all of whom claimed a lack of bias when performing a taste test. Over the course of seven days, the participating farmers tried a variety of greens prepared in different ways.

“Chard beat kale in every single test we ran,” said lifelong chard farmer Milton Daniels. “We ate it raw, sautéed it, chopped it, tossed it, and stewed it. Chard won every single time. The results don’t lie.”

The study’s integrity has since been called into question by an anonymous member of Kale for the People, the leading kale advocacy group.

“The bogus study run by Chard Farmers United paints a false reality,” said Kale for the People President Gary Denver in a recent statement. “The study had kale beating chard in almost 15 different categories, even though everyone knows that kale is the more versatile green — you can bake it, fry it, steam it, roast it, crisp it, blanch it, braise it, and blend it! What more could anyone ask for?”

“We just want the world to know that chard is an option,” said Chard Farmers United president and study participant John Wallerby, in a parallel press conference. “It’s just as bitter and tough as kale, why not give it a try? Please give it a try.”

After releasing the study, Chard Farmers United now expects to see a rise in chard sales. According to the group, the health industry is now experiencing a buzz around chard bigger than anything anyone has ever seen before.

“Kale will always have a piece of my heart, but I’d be willing to juice something else,” said Juice Press employee Lizzie Stinton, after a mysterious man wearing a chard sweatshirt came and dropped off a bag of cash. “People are always looking for the newest health craze, and this could be it.”

At press time, kale had seen no decline in sales.

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