NEWS

Area Man Refuses To Get Liver Transplant Without Some Sort Of Incentive

After his doctor informed him that a matching donor was found for his liver transplant, recent reports show area man Lawrence Jenkins only had one question: “What’s in it for me?”

When Dr. Mark Duncan of Cleveland, Ohio explained that the liver would literally save his life, Jenkins, who suffers from cirrhosis and end-stage renal failure, responded by saying, “Seriously, I’m an American — what’s in it for me?”

Assuming he was joking, Dr. Duncan promised Jenkins a cool bandaid and an “I’ve been transplanted” sticker, which even further infuriated him.

“I’m not a child,” eyewitnesses heard Jenkins scream over the phone. “I’m a full-grown adult, and if I can’t get a Krispy Kreme Doughnut or at least a free pass to Six Flags for getting this liver transplant, then it’s simply not worth it.” 

Reports show that Jenkins continued to rant, explaining how this “transplant program” was a trick that would alter his DNA and microchip him so that the government could track him. 

Fortunately, Jenkins was finally convinced to undergo the transplant in exchange for entry into Ohio’s one-million dollar lottery for transplanters, a free order of Shake Shack crinkle cut fries, and a lap dance on the house at Larry Flynt’s famous Hustler Club.

In addition to these incentives, Jenkins is now able to continue being alive.

At press time, Jenkins’ doctor speculated that the mental confusion could be due to septic fever induced by Jenkins’ rapidly rotting liver.

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