FEATURED NUTRITION

We’re Extremely Drunk And Going To Rank Some Protein Bars

Alright sure let’s get this fucking shit over with.. they told us we need to rank these stupid protein bars or whatever everyone knows they taste like shit and if you disagree ur deluding yourself. They sit in your stomach all day like boulder and dilusional gym idiots convince themselves they taste like chocolate or snickers bar lollllll. ur fucking mom tastes more like chocolate than these pieces  of absolute crap. you know the reason we drank all that much in the first place because they told us we have to write this dumbass article about protien bars which are all disgusting and everyone knows it.  & they told us we need to taste test these desgusting products so if we get blacked we wont have to remember how horrendous they are. normally we get hungry after drink but we would rather starve for 10000000000+ years then have to eat another goddamn think thin or quest bar. creator of quest bar has special place in hell. there are so many things u could eat other than protein bars that will give you protein… try a hamburger for fuck’s sake. or even big bowl of mac and chease or probably cereals have protein. ya this is a health site but give us a break OK we want taco bell, It is OK once in a while up to four times per week. Plus its our cheat month so. also we dont have to be healthy when work ends after 5 pm so bring it all on does anyone know the phone number of that cookie restaurant that delivers even in middle of night.  or maybe they have an app. back to horrible protein bars, if u pick up stupid beetle off the floor that probably has protein too and we would rather eat a billion beetles than even one more quest bar. alright we don’t wanT to prolong this more then we would any other articles so we are gonna get this show on the road

8. Quest bars

if we could’ve ranked this one at negative one billion we would have and it deserves it. as we said before in the introduction above^^ there is special place in hell for man who created quest bars. they are sooooooo fucking bad it is unthinkable.  it is completely unimaginable that they created these and there was a taste tester who was like “ya ok these are good.” also that they sell them and that there are real people who buy these. we have no idea to describe how they taste, but there is that distinct quest bar taste, doesn’t matter what flavor you eat. flavor variety is OK on paper but do not be fooled–they all taste the fucking same like salt or socks or something . some of them have little choco chips or sprinkels in them which is good sort of but it is 1% redeeming factor of something that is 9999999.9999999% plain bad.

7. RXBAR

we did not even taste this one we just read the packet and were too disgusting because apparently it includes EGGS?? what!!!!!! do not get us wrong we think eggs are OK but if we wanted them we would go to a fucking diner and order an omelette . EGGS in protein bar??? that brings Rxbars down to automatic second to last place, would be in dead last except nothing can be worse than quest bar.

6. Think! bars

u should THink! twice before picking up one of these haaa. Think! bars used to be called Think Thin bars but we are guessing they changed it to be all body positive and shit. sure, we are all for body positivity but that’s so clearly a marketing scheme lol. but we know y they used to be called think thin. It’s bc if think thin bars were the only thing we could eat for the rest of our life, we wouldnt just get thin, we’d get fucking emaciated bc we’d refuse to eat any of them. they r so bad. the first bite is actually OK (sort of tastes like resee’s if its the PB one and u don’t think about it too hard) but then it is like eating glue or cement. It becomes physically impossible to eat any more past first bite. it crumbles to dust in ur mouth like san.d. we wish we could put these in last place but somehow there are protin bars that r even worse . (like quest bar)

5. NoCow vegan proten bar

shame on u, NoCow. Shame, shamE, SHAME, SHAME!!!!!!!! these protein bars are vegan but at what cost??? it is not worth being vegan if you are forced to eat nocow protein bar. not only is it the worst thing we have ever tasted other than quest but it gave stomache ach for 2 days.

3. Cliff Builder’s Bars

most protein bars do not include much sugar in them but cliff builder;s bars have 17 grams sugars. finally!! a protein bar with some actual common sense. sugar is what makes things taste good so it only makes common sense to include as much of it, the more the merrier. it is still not good because it would be better to just eat twix, but this one is on the right track. we see how maybe someone COULD enjoy this, even tho we ourself most certainly do not .. but finally some sugars  thank god

2.  Perfect Bar

perfect bar is definitely not perfect, but it tastes the least like a protein bar, there4 making it the best protein bar ha-ha.. it is basically just PB molded into the shape of a protein bar and they can call it a protein bar bc PB has protein. very tricky, but at least it is edible.e it is not as good as regular PB but it is gods gift to mankind compared to  quest bar. if someone is a holding a gun to ur head and saying that u 110% need to eat a protein bar or they will shoot, we guess u can reluctantly say u would eat a perfect bar. bc it is not great if we are being honest but it is the best of the worst

1. ONE Bar

we put ONE bars at number 1 bc they are called one bar and they are at number 1 spot. so it only makes sense to put them there. we would like to clarify that these r NOT at number 1 spot because we think they are good. like all protein bars, they are bad! (very bad!!) but they do have a lot of flavors to choose from and the sprinkles on the birthday cake flavor are OK and a nice touch. the colors of the sprinkles on this flavor are white, green, yellow, pink, red-we have always noticed that there is no blue or purple which is a little strange but OK u can close your eyes. tips an tricks, if u ever run out of sprinkles for ice cram but u have a few bday cake one bars lying around, u should scrape the sprinkles off the one bars and then throw protein barr in garbage where they belong.

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