Brace yourself because what you’re about to read is one of the greatest injustices ever recorded in human history. Area woman Jennifer Webber is Googling “divorce lawyers near me” after her clueless husband Jack got her a fucking Fitbit for her birthday after she repeatedly told him she wanted a new bracelet.
You go, girl. Looks like it’s time to start thinking about who gets custody of the kids.
Rather than immediately acknowledge his unthinkable fuck up, Jack then foolishly tried to argue that a Fitbit is jewelry. And the worst part? He even chose a Fitbit with a boring ass black band instead of a pretty pink one.
Are you fucking kidding? And is buying someone a Fitbit just a nice way of telling them they’re fat?
“You did say you wanted something you’d never get yourself,” wheedled the pathetic husband in desperation, after Jennifer fixed him with a glare so cold it made Mr. Webber’s balls tighten.
Jack did have a point there — Jennifer would never get herself a fucking Fitbit. Because she would never want a fucking Fitbit. A Fitbit is a utilitarian accessory to shame people into exercising and shit, not a piece of jewelry.
What are you going to argue next, Jack? Argue that rice cakes count as cake?
Speaking of cake, a panicked Jack then realized he’d forgotten to pick up Jennifer’s birthday cake. Looks like he better haul his ass to the supermarket and back before his wife decides on a lawyer. At least he’ll get his steps in!