After DNA evidence has proven that Subway tuna contains no actual tuna, former Subway spokesperson Jared Fogle is relieved that everyone will finally forget about him. Fogle, whose child sex crimes earned him a 16-year prison sentence, assumed that he was in the clear after hearing about a Subway scandal possibly even bigger than his own.
“Phew, glad that’s over,” Fogle said to one of his cellmates, even though no one will ever forget that he is a pedophile guilty of heinous crimes against countless minors. “Just a few more days, and the whole child porn thing will finally blow over.”
“I mean, talking to a few minors just doesn’t sound like such a big deal anymore after hearing about all this,” continued Fogle.
Guards at the Federal Correctional Institute in Englewood, Colorado reported cries of joy coming from Fogle’s cell after his lawyer informed him of the tuna scandal.
According to Fogle’s cellmate, the infamous child molester is under the impression that after his release, he will be able to live a quiet, anonymous life without constantly being afraid that someone will recognize him.
“Jared from Subway? Who’s that?” said Fogle excitedly. “No one’s ever gonna talk about Jared from Subway ever again. All anyone will ever be able to think about is what the hell they were eating instead of tuna.”
At press time, people still hated ignominious pedophile and former Subway spokesperson Jared Fogle more than ever.