RELATIONSHIPS

Woman Unsure If New Guy She’s Dating Is Sleeping In His Jeep The Fun Way Or The Sad Way

Area woman Carissa Heenan has reportedly been unable to tell if the new guy she’s been dating for the past three weeks is sleeping in his Jeep the fun, adventurous way or in a sad way due to unforeseen situations beyond his control.

“Not that it matters or anything. He’s really cute. I just want to know, you know?” said Heenan, whom witnesses say is currently struggling to tell if the man named Tag that she met three weeks ago in a Trader Joe’s parking lot sleeps in his Jeep because he has an insatiable thirst for adventure or because he has been financially shattered due to the country’s crippling housing market.

“Who knows, maybe he’s hiding off the grid due to some dark past, and he’s secretly plotting some kind of revenge!” Heenan added, only half-jokingly.

According to friends, Heenan’s suspicion rose when Tag kept referring to the passenger seat as his “kitchen.”

“It was cute at first, but then I noticed the placemat on his dashboard and an assortment of cutlery in the glove compartment,” said Heenan.

Reports show that Heenan tried to covertly extract information by casually asking Tag which neighborhood he lives in, to which Tag responded, “Home is where you make it,” before immediately exiting his Jeep to use the bathroom behind an LA Fitness.

“Honestly, I thought it was a bit pretentious at first, but he does shave his face with a hatchet he keeps under his driver’s seat, so I’m not sure what to make of that,”  continued Heenan, who still isn’t sure if she’s dating a modern-day Jeremiah Johnson or a man who has been carelessly cast aside by a society that regularly values material items over human life.

At press time, neither Tag nor his Jeep had been seen in several days after Tag left suddenly to settle some “unfinished business.”

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