FITNESS

Peloton Releases New Pogo Stick

In-home fitness giant Peloton is set to release its new proprietary pogo stick next week.

PR experts theorize that the introduction is part of a larger effort to distract consumers from controversies surrounding the company’s commercials and last month’s “Tread+” child-sucking debacle.

Initial attempts to leverage the Tread+ disaster with the tagline “True fitness requires sacrifice” did not sit well with test audiences, so the company is now rebranding to a more nostalgic, wholesome, and child-friendly feel, which it hopes will undo some of the damage to Peloton’s reputation.

According to Peloton founder and CEO John Foley, the scenic routes for Pogoton classes will feature 1970s suburban garages, sepia filters, and lots of blood.

In order to make the experience as realistic as possible, the instructors will be latchkey children who do not wear helmets. Otherwise, they will be just as peppy, chatty, and over-the-top encouraging as usual.

While regular pogo sticks retail for between 40 and 70 dollars, the Pogoton’s price tag sits at a cool $1,500, plus all the membership benefits that Peloton’s user base has grown accustomed to.

Pogoton commercials launch early next week, and they’ll be consistent with the campaign’s aesthetic branding. For example, instead of seeing a hot young cyclist in a bay window of a McMansion, viewers will see an awkward middle-schooler hopping up and down on shag carpeting and following along with the class on a 19” Panasonic box TV set.

At press time, Peloton was in talks with the creator of Lawn Jarts to discuss the potential for a virtual, first-person-shooter fitness experience.

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