NUTRITION

A Pioneer Of Nutrition: This Caveman Cut Out Red Meat And Then Lived To The Ripe Old Age Of 34

It seems like every day, nutritionists are pushing new theories about what red meat does to our bodies. Is it good for us? Is it bad for us? Well, thanks to an unexpected piece of evidence from all the way back in 10,000 BCE, we might finally have found the answer. Cave dweller Oog Urrg, hailing all the way from the European Continent, cut out all red meat and then lived until the ripe old age of 34!

Incredible. Urrg, whose body was found recently found preserved in a glacier, lived almost a full three and a half decades! That’s at least ten years longer than all 48 members of his immediate family.

His secret? Just cut out reindeer, horse, anteater, capybara, and any other red meat the hunters bring home to the tribe! Then, just like magic, he lived to become an ancient elder, older than any other person in all of Eurasia — 34!

We gotta give it up for this nutritional genius. We know those mammoth carcasses must have been hard to resist. And what about when the hunters brought back a zebra? How could he pass up slurping down one of the intestines, biting into a juicy eyeball, or maybe even sucking some of its delectable bone marrow? Well, he did, and it paid off. A full 34 revolutions around the sun! Hopefully he got a senior citizen discount on rocks and cave paint.

Luckily, Urrg’s tribe hadn’t yet discovered fire — if it had, we doubt the trailblazing Neanderthal would have been able to resist a charred chunk of animal flesh.

Like all historical findings, Oog Urrg teaches us an important lesson that we can apply to modern life: if we cut out red meat from our diets, maybe we will also live to 34! 

Starting now, we’ll be cutting out all red meat until our 34th birthday. Then, since no one seems to know what happens when you eat red meat after 34, bring on the Arby’s!

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