NEWS

Hangover Cure Supplement No Match For Bucket Of Rum Mixed With Bud Light, Boxed Wine, And Kool Aid

Recent reports show that an area concoction — consisting of bottom shelf rum, warm year-old beer, an already-opened box of Franzia, and an entire container of Kool-Aid powder — is no match for an over-the-shelf supplement that claims to cure hangovers.

The supplement, called GoodMorning, was practically unnoticeable when combined with drinking almost an entire liter of the jungle juice, which was found in the basement of a house occupied by seven 19-year-olds in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

“Oh yeah, this’ll do the trick,” said head brewer Greg Turner as he purchased the supplement at Whole Foods, naively believing that one tiny pill could mitigate the after-effects of what he was about to put in his body. “Now I can still have a fun night and also make plans to go to the gym and finish all my work tomorrow.”

While GoodMorning claims to diminish the effects of a hangover by at least 50%, there was no way for the company to anticipate the abomination that was created by combining four of the cheapest alcohols and mixers available.

“But I took that supplement,” thought Turner, as he woke up the next morning with a splitting headache and rising sensation in his stomach, clearly not accounting for the fact that he’d drunk more than a responsible amount of the worst cocktail ever created. “Maybe I should take two next time?”

At press time, the creators of the evil drink were planning to “just drink a little more water” before consuming next week’s concoction: a synthesis of peach vodka, Minute Maid pink lemonade, Everclear, and hard seltzer.

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