NEWS

NASA Says Moon Wobble Will Most Affect Coastal Cities, Menstruating Werewolves

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration recently announced that an upcoming lunar cycle known as a “Moon Wobble” will hit coastal cities and werewolves on their period the hardest. The Moon Wobble will occur sometime in the 2030s and, combined with the effects of climate change, is expected to cause severe flooding around the globe and wreak havoc on the menstrual cycles of female lycanthropes.

“Rising sea levels mean that by the time the moon finishes its current 18.6-year cycle sometime in the next decade, cities close to the water are going to experience a level of death and destruction we’ve never seen before.” explained NASA scientist Emily Aldoretta, “Ditto for anyone living with or near a woman afflicted with lycanthropy.”

On average, 60,025 people a year globally are killed by natural disasters and werewolf attacks combined, with the lion’s share of those deaths attributed to floods. NASA expects those numbers to double in the next decade.

“I’m super nervous,” confessed Connie Allen, a werewolf from Austin, Texas. “The full moon usually coincides with my period already, and the things I do after I transform are best described as crimes against nature.”

“Can you blame me, though?” asked Allen, “You try having your body reshaped, your bones breaking and reforming, your skin stretching, all the while dealing with cramps I wouldn’t wish on my mother-in-law, and see if you can keep from flying into a homicidal rage! They don’t call it a curse for nothing.”

Allen added that she intended to double the number of chains she wears when she is in wolf form for the duration of the 2030s.

“My husband’s sister and her family are moving here from Corpus Christie sometime in the next few years to get farther away from the coast,” said Allen. “My sister-in-law is alright, but her husband is just the worst. I can barely keep from ripping his face off when I’m not bleeding to death and covered in fur. I’m definitely going to need some extra restraints for this wobble thing.”

Scientists agree it’s probably too late to reverse the effects of climate change in time to avoid the increased flooding and suggest that anyone living on the coast relocate farther inland before 2030. They recommend that everyone purchase surplus amounts of silver.

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