NEWS

New Study Reveals Humans And Billionaires Share 98% DNA

A recent study conducted by the University of California, San Francisco, revealed that humans and billionaires share 98% of the same DNA. In other words, the 1% is only 2% off from the rest of us.

“Homo sapiens and Homo Maximus cashius have very similar genes,” said Helen Goodyear, one of the students involved with the study. “We think that they share a common ancestor and somewhere along the way, billionaires evolved the genes for exploitation and tax evasion.”

The study compared modern human DNA with a sample of discarded ejaculate from Jeff Bezos’s recent trip to space. “Mr. Bezos became very exuberant upon reaching weightlessness and left a genetic sample behind in the Blue Origin rocket,” explained Goodyear. “I’m not at liberty to discuss how, but we were able to obtain this sample for our study.”

Some Christian leaders have disputed the results of the study in favor of their own explanations for the origins of the two species.

“This idea that billionaires and humans evolved from the same primitive species is absurd,” said Minister Robert Abernathy of Louisiana. “If that were true, why don’t we see poor people evolving into billionaires today?”

“The truth is,” continued Minister Abernathy, “God created billionaires. It was right after the angels but before people. That’s why they’re better than us.”

The scientific community, however, politely disagrees. “The modern billionaire is definitely the result of a gradual evolution,” said Goodyear. “Humans’ ancestors didn’t start out using tools much like billionaires’ ancestors didn’t start out taking advantage of deregulation to hoard wealth. It took thousands of years and millions of abused laborers to reach that point.”

The study explains that much like Neanderthals before them, billionaires may be in danger of going extinct at some point in the not-too-distant future.

“The Neanderthals, another close relative to humans, died off because there weren’t enough resources for both species,” explained Goodyear. “The same thing is going to happen to billionaires eventually. Resources are already getting scarce for humans because Billionaires take so much, and nature is bound to step in soon and even things out.”

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