Breaking: PETA Acquired By Tyson Foods

In a bold PR move, major chicken distributor Tyson Foods has acquired the licensing rights to animal rights group PETA. This joint venture is the latest example of a truly all-encompassing vertical monopoly, with the food giant now able to profit off of the moral outrage generated by the production of their food products.

“The new branding will create new cross-diet sales opportunities,” said Tyson Foods CEO Donnie D. King. “Vegans will be able to connect to the PETA name they know and love, allowing them to reconnect to delicious Tyson meat. And carnivores can happily eat Tyson meat knowing that the PETA endorsement makes it perfectly normal. Everyone wins.”

One major condition of the joint venture provided a unique marketing opportunity for both brands, as all packaging of Tyson brand meat will now feature a bold “Approved By PETA” sticker on the front.

PETA addressed the acquisition in an email to their donors:

“Despite the atrocities that Tyson Foods has committed against animals for the sake of profit, their atrocities against their workers and the environment pave the way for a planet without any negative human influence. We look forward to this partnership and the new opportunities it will bring to PETA and our mission.”

At press time, Tyson Foods executives were considering changing the PETA acronym to stand for People for Eating Tasty Animals.

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