NUTRITION

Loser Nutritionists Recommend Cutting Alcohol

After the publication of a new study emphasizing the negative effects of alcohol consumption, the world’s lamest nutritionists have released a statement urging people to cut out all alcohol immediately.

“The new study finds that alcohol’s long-term effects on memory, mood, and decision-making are even more severe than we thought,” said Michael Bolen, who likely isn’t very fun to have around at parties. “Not to mention its potential for addiction.”

The study is being endorsed by nutritionists everywhere, especially the ones who don’t understand the joy of drinking half a bottle of vodka at 2 am, sweating profusely in a small room crowded with 400 people, and then devouring three frozen pizzas as the sun rises.

“The rate of alcohol dependency is increasing at a worrying rate,” continued Bolen, who clearly needs to get laid. “From this point forward, caring about your health should mean staying sober.”

“It’s important to think of addiction as an epidemic,” said Sandra Garcia, a Chicago-based dietician who probably doesn’t have any friends. “We need to change the way we view alcohol in this country.”

At press time, the losers were writing up a study about cocaine’s impact on the cardiovascular system.

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