NEWS

Conservative Pundits Warn Of Halloween Candy Laced With Covid Vaccine

According to pundits on Fox News, One America News Network, Newsmax, and other sources, trick-or-treaters have something other than razor blades to worry about this Halloween: the Covid vaccine.

Right-leaning talk show hosts are warning parents to be on the lookout for Halloween candy containing Pfizer, Moderna, Johnson & Johnson, and, in some rare cases, Astra Zeneca. According to the pundits, liberals are frustrated with the percentage of Americans still choosing not to vaccinate and have taken it upon themselves to force jabs through fun-sized bars of chocolate, wrapped candy, and all other Halloween treats.

“M&Ms?” roared Tucker Carlson, during his nightly appearance on Tucker Carlson Tonight. “More like J&Js!”

“Everyone knows that parents on Halloween wait for their kids to go to sleep and then go in and steal their candy,” explained Carlson. “What these people want is to make sure that when Mom and Dad bite into that stolen Hershey bar, they’re getting a mouthful of mRNA along with their chocolate.”

Fox is cautioning all parents to thoroughly examine their children’s candy carefully before consuming it.

“Look out for open wrappers, needle holes, and any small, hard squares protruding from the candy,” said Laura Ingraham. “Those could be microchips from the vaccine.”

Some parents like Shirley Mason of Greenville, Kentucky, are just going to skip trick-or-treating all together this year.

“That vaccine goes against my religion,” said Mason, a proud Catholic who is disappointed to be missing the yearly Pagan festival. “I can’t take the chance that my kids or I might accidentally eat something made from aborted fetuses. It’s a sin, after all.”

While not all pundits are advising trick-or-treaters to stay home, most are recommending that everyone wears a mask while outside, just in case someone who has eaten vaccine candy doesn’t transfer their antibodies through breathing.

“If we all work together and practice safety,” continued Ingraham. “We can overcome this and beat this vaccine for good!”

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