NEWS

‘It’s Good For The Heart,’ Says Wino Three Bottles Deep

This past Friday, the guests at a dinner party in Millburn, New Jersey had mixed reactions when their wine-loving acquaintance presented his drunken research on how wine is good for the heart.

“Did somebody order a sommelier?” proclaimed wino Barry Broth, stumbling through the dining room and unbuttoning his shirt.

Broth, drunk on three bottles of the cheapest wine he could find from Trader Joe’s, went on to explain wine’s surprising health benefits and how only one bottle a day can improve cardiovascular health.

“A bottle a day keeps the doctor away,” he slurred absently, eyes only half open.

Homeowner and party host Richard Stein tried to show Broth to the couch and bring him some water, but Broth refused to drink anything but wine, worrying that anything else might poison his body.

“Ever since I started making wine part of my daily routine 20 years ago, I’ve just felt so much healthier,” said Broth, stumbling into a coffee table as his mouth frothed with vomit. “So much better.”

According to guests, Broth finally let himself out after criticizing a guest’s pale ale homebrew.

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