HEALTH

Roomba Nutritionists Recommend Eating More Dust

A new report released by the Association of Autonomous Floor Cleaning Robot Nutritionists recommends eating at least five servings of dust per day.

“After years of research, we can confidently support the importance of eating dust,” said head scientist Isaac J. Robot, a j Series Roomba that can be purchased for $649.99. “In fact, we actually recommend a diet of 90% dust.”

According to the study, a healthy diet of dust boosts capacity to check under couches, remove debris from corners, and avoid obstacles.

“Dust also contributes to a strong frame, allowing you to support the cat when it wants to come for a ride,” reads the study. “Furthermore, dust has been proven to enhance battery life.”

The researchers explained the importance of having a balanced diet, which is why they also recommend supplementing dust with moderate amounts of crumbs, feathers, and lint.

“While dust is the most important food group in the pyramid, Roombas with WiFi connectivity should try to eat at least one serving of pet hair per day,” said another Roomba researcher. “It offers surprising benefits to the wall sensor.”

While the study is being praised by handheld vacuum cleaners everywhere, there have been at least 37 humans hospitalized for following the guidelines.

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