HEALTH

Study: Masks Still Offer 98% Protection From Strangers Telling You To Smile

In good news for those afflicted with the condition know as “resting bitch face,” a recent study confirms that face masks offer 98% protection from strangers telling you to smile.

Researchers surveyed a random sample of mask-wearers and non-mask-wearers, asking them to self-report how often they had been accosted by a stranger ordering them to smile. Within a one-month period, nearly all mask-wearers (98%) reported no such interactions.

In contrast, 31% of non-mask-wearers, 99% of whom were female, reported that a stranger, 99% of whom were male, had instructed them to “smile” or, even more irritatingly, “cheer up.”

“The findings are clear,” reported lead researcher Kyra Duke, “the research proves that, for women who wish to go out in public without a smile constantly plastered on, face masks offer near universal protection from strange men telling them to turn that frown upside down.”

Asked what accounted for the 2% of mask-wearers who were still somehow being told to smile despite donning face masks, Ms. Duke answered that more research is needed, but she has a hypothesis.

“We believe that Tyra Banks is to blame for introducing the world to the concept of smiling with one’s eyes or ‘smizing,'” said Duke.

At press time, Duke removed her mask for a moment and was met with multiple requests from strange men telling her she would be cuter if she just smiled a little.

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