HEALTH

Scientists Recommend Building Lean Muscle In Case Your Dog Needs To Eat You When You Die

Researchers from the Stanford Nutrition Studies Group are now recommending you focus your diet and fitness regime on building lean muscle in the event that you unexpectedly pass away and your dog is forced to use your dead body as sustenance.

Clinical trials conducted by the group show that when facing isolation as a result of a suddenly deceased owner, a dog can survive up to four weeks longer consuming human remains that contain high-density muscle protein over those that are high in fat. Those four weeks might allow enough time for a relative or intrusive delivery person to notice a problem and rescue the animal.

“We’ve always understood the physiological benefits of building a lean muscular physique,” said PhD candidate Olivia Dowden, “but now we have concrete evidence proving that your healthy corpse can provide your beloved pet with lifesaving nutrients!”

The findings are considered groundbreaking with the potential to create new incentives for millions of morbidly obese Americans to improve their physical health.

“It’s now clinically proven that a healthy relationship with food can also create a healthy relationship with your pet,” commented Sanjeer Alam, director of the project. “Dietary decisions should consider both you and your canine companion. Remember, whatever you eat, your dog eats 12 hours after your heart stops.”

At press time, researchers were recommending cutting chocolate out of your diet, just in case you unexpectedly die and there’s still some left in your system.

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