SURE: Faithful Wife Fulfilled After All These Years

Hm. We don’t know if we buy that. You know, Barbara being happy and all. She and Rick have been together, what, going on a couple decades now? And get this — she told us last week that her marriage is stronger than ever. OK, Barbara. Please.

The two of them are hardly ever apart, and we’re just supposed to believe they actually enjoy that? We mean, come on. We’ve all met Rick. We all know what he’s like. And how he can get.

There’s gotta be something else going on here. Right? Last week she told us she was “flourishing.” Ugh. Shut the fuck up. That’s not even nearly a valid response to “how are you?” Just say “fine” and move on like a normal person.

And you should’ve seen that dress she had on last Friday night! There’s a 0% chance she’s wearing that to impress Rick. That guy isn’t even worth putting on jeans for. No way she isn’t having an affair.

And you know what we overheard her saying last weekend at the Kroger? “And the sex is amazing.” Caught red-handed, Barbara! We’ve all seen Rick’s cock in the locker room at Planet Fitness. The only thing that could possibly be conceived as “amazing” about it is just how unremarkable that thing is.

The evidence is clear. We can say with 100% certainty that Barbara Allen is cheating on her husband. There’s no other reason she’d seem so content all the time with a useless sack of shit like him.

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