We Asked A Trader Joe’s Employee What His Box Cutter Was For And Instantly Regretted It
Oh fuck. We’ve really messed up here. We could have just walked in, grabbed the speculoos beer, and walked out. But no, we had to ask...
NEWS
New Texas Abortion Law To Crack Down On Fetuses Who Eat Twin In Womb
Heeding their pro-life constituents’ calls to advocate for the protection of unborn children, Texas lawmakers announced the passage of a new statewide abortion law Thursday...
Breaking: PETA Acquired By Tyson Foods
In a bold PR move, major chicken distributor Tyson Foods has acquired the licensing rights to animal rights group PETA. This joint venture is the...
Hippie Dying In Bus Accident Just Glad It Was A Hybrid
Local hippie and pedestrian Rain Stevens died this week after expressing gratitude that the city bus that just hit him in a crosswalk was indeed...
Unclear If Flower In Salad Edible
The floral addition may or may not have been poisonous....
Sun Damage Achieved At Beach
The relaxing day was spent splashing in the waves, drinking rosé, gazing at the clouds, and achieving third-degree burns....
New Study Reveals Humans And Billionaires Share 98% DNA
A recent study conducted by the University of California, San Francisco, revealed that humans and billionaires share 98% of the same DNA. In other words,...
NASA Says Moon Wobble Will Most Affect Coastal Cities, Menstruating Werewolves
The National Aeronautics and Space Administration recently announced that an upcoming lunar cycle known as a “Moon Wobble” will hit coastal cities and werewolves on...
Hangover Cure Supplement No Match For Bucket Of Rum Mixed With Bud Light, Boxed Wine, And Kool Aid
Recent reports show that an area concoction — consisting of bottom shelf rum, warm year-old beer, an already-opened box of Franzia, and an entire container...
Breaking: Häagen-Dasz Covid Vaccine Granted Emergency Use Authorization By FDA
Early this morning, sources reported that the FDA has finally approved the long-awaited Häagen-Dasz Covid vaccine for emergency use. The vaccine, which comes in a...