Nation’s Masochists Tune In For Presidential Debate
As President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden prepare to square off in the next presidential debate, self-loathing people all across the country...
NEWS
Melania Trump Preparing To Assume Presidential Powers In Event Of Husband’s Death
While surveys show most Americans believe the Vice President assumes presidential powers in the event of a president’s death, constitutional experts have confirmed that it...
Nation’s Cider Mills Kick Off Annual Act Of Pretending Apples The Best Fucking Shit Known To Man
Brushing off their scarecrows and nailing up their “pick-your-own-fruit here” signs in preparation for autumn, the nation’s cider mills are reported to have officially started...
Report: President Trump Has Spent 1-In-4 Days Of His Presidency Getting Out Of The Sand Trap
White House sources have confirmed that, since taking office, Donald Trump has spent 25% of his presidency stuck in the sand traps at his Mar-a-Lago...
Tapeworm Living Inside Gordon Ramsay’s Intestine Really Lucked Out
Blindly squirming its way through the intestine of its latest host, area Taenia saginata was reportedly overjoyed to realize it had latched itself onto the...
Dole Under Fire For Unethical Treatment Of Pineapples
Following a three-week investigation, FDA officials are accusing fruit company Dole of produce-rights violations. “Our findings show that Dole has been keeping their fruit in...
Limited Edition Marmite Will Harvest Yeast Extract Straight From Yeast Infections
While certain health officials have questioned the safety of deriving the spread’s signature yeast extract from infected genitals, worldwide OB/GYNs have confirmed that the delicious...
Amazon Prime Membership Grants Whopping 37-Cent Discount Off $150 Whole Foods Purchase
Whole Foods shopper Evelyn Morris in Denver, Colorado has reported her Amazon Prime membership providing her an entire 37 cents off her overall purchase. Witnesses...
Make-A-Wish Foundation Bankrupted By Child Granted 6-Minute Target Shopping Spree
New reports show that the Make-A-Wish Foundation has found itself in a precarious financial situation after agreeing to buy an eleven-year-old cancer patient anything he...
Pathetic Man Eating At Japanese Restaurant Requests Fork
Witnesses at Haiku Sushi in New Rochelle, New York have confirmed reports that area weakling Benjamin Miller requested a fork after fumbling with his chopsticks...